Pimping News

Okay this is the interim title, until I think of a wittier one, for posts relating to my oh so exciting love life, or lack thereof.

Leaving aside the man I've got a massive school boy crush on - and by that I mean I really want to just hold hands with him and skip around the playground - that's quite a complex story. I don't think I'm in love with him, but it's the knowledge that he's the sort of man I could very easily BE in love with that makes my heart ache. Anyway. Later.

I'm meeting up on Sunday with a guy I've had an on and off text/email relationship with for around three years. It's a bit bizarre. First contact was on Gaydar. One of those stupid nights where I have a bit of wine and just end up browsing profiles, sending the odd message. Anyway I sent one to this guy, and he replied straight away. We hopped on to MSN, he seemed sane, and I was drunk so when he asked me for my number I gave it to him. Then he called me almost straight away. We chatted, it was nice. Next morning - remorse, regret. I think I was pinging for a guy I'd been with about a year ago because we'd just had a bit of a pash on a dancefloor a few nights before. So when he called the next day I tried to back away nicely. Using aforementioned contact with my ex as an excuse (heh, EX-cuse). He was pretty reactive though, took it very personally, in a kind of self-deprecating way, and then we left it at that.

Then there was a bit of contact after that, just cordial online chatting. Then he reinitiated full contact on Gaydar while I was in Armidale in 06. We couldn't meet up but we chatted a little bit. When I came back to Sydney Facebook happened, as did my most recent relationship. I stumbled across this guy after my break up, and stupidly said yes to a date.

This was the first time we actually met in real life. We saw a movie, had lunch, it was nice. He's Lebanese, which I LOVE, but something about him felt really young, and a little inexperienced or awkward. I know at the time he wasn't out to his family - effectively couldn't be because of their cultural perspective. I'm wary of guys in those situations because of the mentality it must foster. I had a small experience of that myself, but my hiding my sexuality wasn't because I thought (or knew) my parents would disown me, just because I wasn't ready to change who I was in their eyes. I knew they wouldn't have a problem, so I can't imagine what it must be like to know with certainty that your family could never and would never accept your sexuality.

Well this guy was pretty down to earth, but hadn't had any kind of relationship before. I felt like the grown up. Plus conversation was a bit stilted - I like to talk in case you haven't noticed, at length! We met up for another movie a week later before he actually asked me directly where I wanted to go with it. I took the out he was offering (probably as a defense mechanism for himself) because - and it was true - I wasn't over my ex. Not even half.

Anyway since then I've watched him move through life a bit on Facebook - he's doing lots of adult things, and really getting himself organised, in shape, branching out in ways I couldn't have predicted that young guy back then would have. Then he got in touch with me again a few weeks ago, and asked if I wanted to meet up. So here we go - we're seeing Twlight (I'll get to that) on Sunday and having lunch beforehand. I'm going to bombard him with questions to keep him talking.

I have no idea what the outcome will be - he'll probably deliver an ultimatum again - do you want to see me again, or do you want to leave it here? - but I'll just see how we go. I'm not going to burn bridges after one more meeting. Plus I find him very attractive physically, and I know he's been kicking it at the gym for a while and really looking in shape... I'll update y'all after Sunday!